Thursday, September 5, 2013

A tiger doesn't change its stripes on my schedule

From time to time in my life, I have come across people in whom I see the potential for what they can be, even though that is not what they are at the time.  Unfortunately, on more than one occasion, I have made the mistake of dating these people.  I'm not talking about losing weight or changing bad habits, but rather some inchoate part of his or her personality or maturity, which generally manifests itself in insecurity.  I spend the entire relationship trying to build up his or her self-esteem at the expense of getting my needs addressed.  That certainly was the demise of my marriage.

My Mom and I had a long conversation about this today because she worries that somehow it is her fault (because isn't everything ultimately our mother's fault).  And in some ways, I think it is.  Her relationship with my Dad wasn't like that - although my Dad never forgave my Nana for objecting to their marriage because he believed that she didn't think he was good enough for my Mom (but my Mom says it was because she never wanted my Mom to leave the convent).   She spends a lot of her free time volunteering and donates a ridiculous portion of her income to charity.  For example, when we were kids she "adopted"a Vietnamese family on the next street, helping them navigate the school system and get set up with government programs.  So I guess that I've been programmed to root for the underdog and help them on life's journey. 

And I have watched many of my exes blossom into the people I thought they would be, I was just involved with them at the wrong time.  Although some will never see in themselves what I saw, because you can't win them all.

It's not that I am perfect - very far from it, but at least I know who I am.  I am realistic about my many failings and am writing out this entry to remind me of another one so that history does not continue to repeat.  I deserve a better, more balanced relationship  - so here's to making a good decision on the next one.

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