Friday, March 29, 2013

Peeing Monkeys, Licking Iguanas, and...Oh My!

This blog has been very serious lately (in its not many days existence), so I thought it needed a return to me.  Rather than come up with some new, obviously witty post, I thought I would just recycle the silliness I have often dwelled in for a better expression of the non-political person that I am.  This email was sent to my college roommates during my four month Post-Marriage-Moon in Southeast Asia.  The concept of "Opposite Nicole" is that I had lived my life in a fairly responsible way and it had led me to heartbreak and failure, so I was going to change it all, like George Costanza, and just ignore all instincts.

Sent: Tuesday, November 24, 2009 6:01 AM

I was originally planning to go to Vietnam before Thanksgiving, but then there was the possibility that Leslie might join me if I deferred the trip, so I did.  I'll be headed to Vietnam this Saturday (Leslie still can't come, but it was worth the shot).  There were over 2 weeks until Thanksgiving and I needed to get out of Nadine and La's hair, but my passport was tied up at the Vietnamese embassy waiting for a visa, so I was "trapped" in Thailand.  I went into the travel agency and asked them where I could go in Thailand, where I could fly the next day for under $200 and would have good weather.  And so my trip to the Andaman Coast was born.  I knew nothing about it, Nadine hadn't been in the area since her first trip through Thailand over 10 years ago and La had never been there, so I just made it up as I went along (see, I'm still Bizarro Opposite Nicole).  The results were mixed - I loved Krabi and Railay Beach, but Ko Phi Phi was like Spring Break (but, like, Florida Panhandle spring break, not somewhere super cool) and Phuket was a mix of relaxation (Kata Beach, where I stayed) and innocence-robbing insanity (Patong Beach).  My decisionmaking was also a mixed bag - I stayed away from the ubiquitous buckets on the spring break scene on Ko Phi Phi, but then got smashed in a bar starting at 8 AM watching the Pats hand the Colts that #@!*&$%game.  Ugh, still makes me upset (I got up at 4:45 AM Monday morning to watch them redeem themselves against the Jets this week, thank God).  There was an accidental adult theme to this trip that I couldn't have predicted (even if I had never gone to Patong Beach, it still would have been NC-17).  And then there was the Ping-Pong Show...
Nadine had told me that she was dying to see one of the Bangkok "ping-pong" shows, so being opposite Nicole, when someone approached me to see a "ping-pong" show (actually, a million people are trying to suck tourists in), I went for it.  As you know, I am morally opposed to strip clubs, so I was expecting nothing good, but The HORRORS I SAW:
1.  A woman shoot darts from her hoo-ha, popping 4 balloons on 4 shots.
2.  A woman smoking a cigarette from her hoo-ha, puffs included (remember that scandalous Harvard feminist magazine cover? X25,000).
3.  A woman expelling 4 live fish from her hoo-ha.
4.  A woman expelling 2 live parakeets from her hoo-ha.
5.  A woman inserting, and then shooting, 4 ping-pong balls from her hoo-ha.
6.  A woman unspooling at least 100 yards of string from her hoo-ha. 
Although it was a strip club, instead of dirty men, it was filled with curious tourists like me (or to be more clear, the dirty men were there, but outnumbered by curious tourists).  It really was more spectacle than sexual.  The show was "free", but I paid 400 baht (8x the 7-11 price) for a beer.  The ladies loved me though and I had a healthy crowd of working girls at my table, I think so that they could take a break.  

You are lucky that I could not take pictures (expressly forbidden, obviously) or you would be as traumatized as I was.  The woman who shot the darts was a young prostitute,  but the woman who did the rest of it was probably late 40's-early 50's and looked like she had done some hard living.  She had clearly had a bunch of kids because she had a rather large mommie-paunch. 
The most upsetting were the fish and the parakeet.  I didn't see how she got the fish in there, but she walked on stage with a pitcher full of water and at each corner of the stage, she crouched over the pitcher and popped out a fish.  I actually saw her jam the parakeets up there and she went to the 2 sides of the stage and popped them out.  What a horrible life for them!  I really don't know how she could fit 4 ping pong balls in there, but she did. 


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